Being Critical Is Ok

To start off with, I would like to point out that this conversation is of NSFW nature and that it brings up discussions of kink and sex that some people may find uncomfortable such as Nazi kinks as well as Daddy/little discussions.

Image of a pair of handcuffs, found on google, rights to image unknown

I spent years saying I was entirely sex positive, kink positive and would be anti kink shaming. I thought that everyone should be entitled to do things with who ever they want providing there was consent on all parties, I believed that there should be no rules or structure and everyone should be able to do whatever with whoever and that the world would be much better if we were just all liberal with our choices. Then one day I realised that, I felt so uncomfortable with my own peers at times, but had fears on how to bring up their behaviour. I then realised I was in fact sex critical and not as positive as I thought I was, and I realised after a lot of soul searching that this was perfectly acceptable and I would like to discuss why this is a perfectly healthy way to think for some people.

Well for starters I would like to bring up my epiphany and why I realised it was OK. There was a kink night in my city, the night was aimed to be a feminist kink friendly space, welcoming of LGBT people and no kink shame. It was a themed night (back to school) , and one person decided that they would turn up in a Nazi uniform. This individual was white, straight and cisgender and going into venues that were LGBT safe and being a Dom to them.

This ache then happened in the pit of my stomach because I had always been taught that providing everything was consenting, anything goes. Surely not everyone consented to the theme being broken and having to see something that might be triggering to them. This then brought up whether kink shaming was or wasn’t OK to do. A debate went around for a long time and whilst the outcome of the situation wasn’t what we had hoped for, it reminded us all that being critical of peoples actions is perfectly justifiable if it is something that will make people uncomfortable.

Kinks stem from our own feelings and emotions, some are stemmed from trauma we have experienced as children and adults. This isn’t everyone’s case I would like to state, but some are. For someone to walk into a space for marginalised community members in a Nazi uniform, you have to wonder why they are wanting to do this and what is going through their head when they play out a role as an oppressor to a particular marginalised section. You need to step back and process why people behave in this sort of way, would it be different if a Jewish woman took that role for instance and whether it is in fact appropriate to cater to everyone’s kinks in what is supposedly a safe and friendly environment. And that answer is no. Not all spaces should be 100% kink shame free and not all spaces should cater to people with kinks.

What you do in the comfort of your own home space between consenting adults is not up for question. I may joke about my hatred for foot fetishists for instance but if it’s not in my face, it’s not my business what the fuck you do. What we are talking about is public engagement of kinks and consent. For instance, if you walk around your local super market wearing nothing but a gimp mask and a butt plug, this is going to pose an issue for some people and the first thing you shouldn’t be shouting is “stop kink shaming”. Whilst this might please you in this example, what you haven’t factored in are the 100 other shoppers who are using that space. You have not factored in that there will be minors and you haven’t factored in that no, just some people do not want to see sexualized activity in that particular space. Kink should be consensual to ALL parties involved and a public place isn’t going to be 100% that.

Some kinks are hot topics for debate – the Nazi one being right up there and also (sorry guys) but having a daddy/little kink relationship is also one of those things to. Again I stress this, what you do inside your own home as ADULTS is not mine or anyone else’s business but when in a setting outside of your own home and personal space, a consideration of other people needs to be taken into account. You need to be aware that this behavior might make people uncomfortable for a mound of reasons, on the top of my head alone I can say that victims of sexual abuse as minors and incest victims might find that fucking triggering and if you are going round in public acting out your roles as daddy/little, then no, not everyone around you is going to consent to it.

Having rules and structures in kink clubs is a great way to work on these behaviors. Having strict themes is also good because members are warned about what a particular space will be centred around and there is then an option to disengage in that space if the particular kink is not suitable to the individual. Having a kink is fine, it’s more than OK. Trust. I have many, and I’m a sub.. But I’m also aware that my tastes will not be acceptable in spaces that were open to everyone and that not everyone who arrives at a space is consenting to viewing or interacting with me.

We should always question whether behaviors are acceptable or not, we should question inappropriate interactions and we should challenge behavior that might not be acceptable all the time.

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