My whole life has revolved around me being social. It would have to meet up with people and interact because it would take me away from the bullshit that was going on in my head. I enjoyed visiting places and going to gigs, and of course trying out fancy food places. I managed to do this even when I started being in my wheelchair but for 6 months or so (time merges with itself these days) I have been so chronically ill that if I manage one day out a month that is a success. Something I never expected my life to become at the age of 31. The thing is about being chronically ill and tired all the time is that it steals everything from you. Your life, your money, your ability to communicate half of the time. It has stolen my existance and most importantly, my connection to the outside world.
For instance, when writing this is an exhaustive measure. I used to crack out a blog post every few days and now I’m lucky if I can get out 5 a month. What would take me very little brain power, has become a chore because I do not have focus to concentrate on anything for longer than half an hour. And that’s the writing. You gave to factor in the process to think of material, working out exactly what to say and then trying to process this into a coherent sentence. Something I can barely do online these days, let alone in person and it has become a lonely condition I am in now and the only people who understand this are others who suffer from long term sickness too.
I miss talking to people. Ok, that’s a lie. I miss talking to friends, I miss interaction with my peers. I must admit though that this has taught me who my friends actually are and that has been a plus. I have learned to stop wasting my valuable energy on the things that didn’t matter and to stop caring so much about the little things, but I miss being an activist. I miss my old life. It feels like I have lost everything that was my identity and what is left is an empty shell of a human being. I stopped messaging friends and family because there was only so many times I could say that o have done nothing with my time because I can’t. And some friends have understood this but others gave thought that I was just ignoring them, which had never been the case. I’m just too sick to communicate half the time and when I am just about functioning I don’t want to say that my mental and physical health has gone to shit every time I speak. The thing is I can’t even deal with voice calls or Xbox party chat or anything that involves communicating with a head set. My audio processing is just so awful that I can’t focus on it, or it gives me a headache, so I can barely even play games online with friends anymore. Chronic illness has even taken that away from me.
I know I’m slowly getting better but by the time I have recovered to the point where I can finally be my old self again, I am going to have to restart my social life all over again for the millionth time in my existance. I don’t know how I’m going to be able to cope with that more than anything. I am terrible at making friends to begin with and I don’t expect all my old friends to be around because being this ill has made me become unreliable and not someone they want to be around, which I understand. It’s tough. It’s also fucking tough for those of us who have to live with this.
I just want to turn back the clocks and go back to when I felt so much better about myself. I just want to carry on and be human, rather than this meat sack with no life. I just want to be me and I don’t want to be alone anymore.